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Remember when we had a jokes thread?

antithesis

Posted 12:58 am, 03/22/2024

I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."

antithesis

Posted 12:55 am, 03/22/2024

Aren't you all just a barrel of laughs...

Acumen

Posted 4:05 pm, 03/21/2024

We still have a joke thread. Just look at how many right-wingers we have.

knslyr

Posted 3:36 pm, 03/21/2024

The United States is the punchline of the world. Just like france was in the 1970s. You get 2 reactions when you think of hunter's pedo daddy: Sheer terror and laughing when you would rather cry. Espicially, if your name is ashely.

tribune

Posted 11:01 am, 03/21/2024

What did the big orange fly say to the maggots? "When you've eaten all my crap I'll get Vlad to shovel some more our way."

RollOn2

Posted 8:57 am, 03/21/2024

Anti is the new gowilkes punchline...

JC

Posted 12:45 am, 03/21/2024

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said,

"I have a praise.

"Two months ago, my husband, Ted had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Ted must have experienced.

"Ted was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Ted's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Ted.

"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "Thank the Lord, Ted is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with unified relief.

The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, "I'm Ted Smith."

The entire congregation held its breath.

"I just want to tell my wife, the word is sternum."

Anonymoose

Posted 9:40 am, 02/28/2024

Young child asked his father were does Pooh come from . Father thinks what an odd question for a child so young so he gives his young child the most basic talk on how the digestive system works ending with where Pooh comes from. After he's done the Child asks where does Tigger come from .

antithesis

Posted 1:17 am, 02/28/2024

A Jewish son tells his father he is moving out. The son returns a year later and tells his father that he has converted to Christianity. The father is upset and calls his friend who is also Jewish. "You won't believe this, my son David moved out for a year and came back and told me he converted to Christianity."

His friend says, "you won't believe this...my son Benjamin moved away for a year and when he came back HE converted to Christianity too"!

Both upset, they call their rabbi and explain what happened. The rabbi says, "you won't believe this, my son Joshua moved away and when HE came back he told me he converted to Christianity too"!

The rabbi suggests they call God and tell him. The rabbi tells God that all three men had sons who moved away and converted to Christianity and don't know what to do.

God says to them, "you won't believe this..."

Bestill

Posted 9:54 pm, 02/17/2024

An eight year old boy is walking down the road one day when a car pulls over next to him.
"If you get in the car," the driver says "I'll give you $10 and a packet of sweets."
The boy refuses and keeps on walking.
A few moments later, not to take no for an answer, the man driving the car pulls over again. "How about $20 and two packets of sweets?"
The boy tells the man to leave him alone and keeps on walking.
Still further down the road the man pulls over to the side road. "Ok," he says. "This is my final offer. I'll give you $50 and all the sweets you can eat."
The little boy stops, goes to the car and leans in.
"Look," he shouts at the driver. "You bought the Volvo, Dad. You'll have to live with it!"

DLD

Posted 9:18 pm, 02/17/2024

A farmer visited his fellow farmer one day an they were looking at the cows in the pasture. While they were looking the bull was covering one of the cows. The farmer said you must have a new bull because your old one was wa shed up. The guy said no thats the old bull, the vet just gave me some pills that makes him feel young again an your looking at the results. The guy ask, oh whats the name of the medicine. The farmer said I forgot the name but it taste like peppermint.

DLD

Posted 7:26 pm, 01/25/2024

I was in a DMV getting my liscense renewed the other day an this examiner was giving this guy an oral exam. He asked the guy "in your opinion whats the most dangerous thing on the road, the guy said a loaded down pulpwood truck. The examiner like to have fell out of his chair laughing. I felt sorry for the guy but didnt hang around to see if he passed the test.

DLD

Posted 1:38 pm, 01/23/2024

This farmer had a large cattle ranch an one morning a guy showed up an informed him he needed to check his cattle because their was some rustling going on in the area. The farmer told him he didnt have anything to do with rustling. The guy told him he was their to check an was going to check his cattle because he was the law an showed the farmer his badge to prove it. Well he proceeded to go in the pasture an about 2 hours later the farmer heard him screaming for help an looked in the pasture an saw this mean bull chasing the guy. He hollered out to the man "show him your badge"

DLD

Posted 11:45 pm, 01/22/2024

This old dude went to his Dr for serious constipation. The Dr gave him some Bisacodyl tablets an told him to insert one twice a day up his rectum. Well the dude got home an couldnt figure out what his rectum was, so he took the pills by mouth. He went back a few days later still having problem. When the Dr asked him if the medicine didnt help him the dude said, Doc for all the good it done me I just as well stuck it up my ***.

DLD

Posted 10:40 pm, 01/22/2024

This old guy was sitting on his porch in Wilkes and a boy walked up with a mason jar. He told the guy that he had just graduated from State with an engineering degree an had saw some honeysuckle behind his house an wanted permission to get some honey. The old guy said help yourself but you will not get any honey. The boy was gone a little while an came back with a pretty jar of sourwood honey. The next day the boy showed up with another jar an told the guy he saw some milkweed an could he get a jar of milk. The old man said sure but you want get any milk. Well the boy went behind his house and came out with a jar of milk.The old guy was amazed. the next day the boy came back an said, sir I saw some **** willow. The old guy said hold on. let me get my hat an I will go with you.

knslyr

Posted 3:48 pm, 01/03/2024

I was in a bar for New Years and a lady right in front of me had her nipple pierced. On a seperate note, I stink at darts.

DLD

Posted 12:58 pm, 01/03/2024

That should have read, what should I do

DLD

Posted 12:51 pm, 01/03/2024

An elderly couple went to the altar an knelt to pray. The woman farted. She nudged her husband an said I just let a silent fart, what she I do. He replied replace the battery in your hearing aid.

DLD

Posted 8:18 pm, 12/30/2023

A guy suspected his wife was cheating on him .He hires a chinese detective, the cheapest one he could find. This is his report. Most honorable sir, You leave house. I watch house.He come to house. I watch.He and she leave house.I follow. He and she go hotel. I climb tree. I look in window. He kiss she.
she kiss he. He strip she. She stri he. He play with she. She play with he. I play with me. I fall out of tree. I no see. No fee. Ding Dong Lee.

Golan

Posted 2:40 pm, 12/28/2023

A woman from Traphill goes to the Walmart pharmacy and asks the cashier for some bottom deodorant. The cashier, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don't sell bottom deodorant, and never have.

The woman, unfazed, assures the cashier that she has been buying the stuff from here on a regular basis, and would like some more.

The cashier thinks for a minute, knowing full well that they don't stock, or have ever sold, such an item. She smiles at the Traphill woman and says, " One moment please, I will get the pharmacist."

The pharmacist looks at the woman and says, "Can I help you miss?"

"I would like to buy some bottom deodorant please," says the woman.

"I'm sorry, says the pharmacist, we don't have any."

"But I always get it here," says the woman.

"Do you have the container it comes in?" the pharmacist asks.

"Yes!" said the woman, "I'll go home and get it."

She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to the her, "This is just a normal stick of under arm deodorant."

The annoyed woman snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container, "To apply, push up bottom."

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